Alone, Together, and Online
Why does International Masturbation Month exist? We’ve dived into some lore around how religious and medical fields created a social stigma upon a private deed. Who spurted the concept into existence? I could just tell you and spoil the building tension between us, but you came here for more than just a quickie, and hopefully the refractory period from the last blog is over. We’ve got a last bit of history to cover, so light a few candles and set the mood.
December 1st, 1994, enter Dr. Joycelyn Elders, the first Black woman to be appointed as the U.S. Surgeon General under the Clinton Administration. Dr. Elders spoke at the United Nations World AIDS Day Conference, where an audience member asked about masturbation’s potential for discouraging early sexual activity. She responded claiming we have been trying ignorance for too long, and it was time to try education when it comes to sexual health, including masturbation. She simply stated that it was a part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught in sex education. This one sentence was about AIDS prevention. This one sentence got her fired by Clinton a week later. The media did what it does best and spun the public health statement into something far more provocative than it was.
Meanwhile on the West Coast, employees and owners of Good Vibrations (An SF based sex-positive adult store), spent the next 6 months organizing a response to Dr. Elders’ firing: National Masturbation Day. A holiday originally taking place on May 7th, 1995, celebrating bodily autonomy and protesting against sexual shame. In 1999, Good Vibrations created the “Masturbate-a-thon” which served as a charity fundraiser where bators solicited pledges and donations that were gifts to sexual health non profits. In 2005, the holiday was moved to May 28th to better align with the annual charity event, and in the last 30 something years, the movement gained global momentum and became known as International Masturbation Month.
Most of us do it, we accept it as normal behavior and something that is natural. But silence simultaneously exists around it. The murky waters of Onania have been diluted, but the solution is still in the potion. It still exists in a lot of us. We still do it, and don’t talk about it. We enjoy it, but we laugh about it when there’s a meme about it on our social media. Before we get to the internet, television and film were really the only places masturbation was discussed, even if it was drenched in remnants of the Hays code. Seinfeld’s 1992 episode “The Contest” used masturbation as a plot device without ever actually naming it. Film became a bit bolder in the late 90s with There’s Something About Mary and the famous “hair gel” scene, later eclipsed by the cultural turning point with American Pie. All three treated the subject with comedy; Using it as a punchline, whispered about like early traces of ASMR, or mocked. Jacking off was the new cheap laugh. Advancing a bit further, we have shows that aren’t afraid to name it: Sex Education and Big Mouth taking on topics of puberty and self-acceptance we weren’t getting in our real day to day messaging. Acknowledging it as part of human existence, with less farce. While we have less coding around the action, we still have a lot of discomfort around it. Psychologist Dr. Sarah Thompson describes the legacy as “the inheritance of embarrassment”. More generational trauma you never agreed to, fear that predates you and me.
Three Habitats of Masturbation
The Solo Expedition
The one we are most familiar with. Me time, self-care, personal time. A moment of personal intimacy. While there’s some quirkiness here, that’s really what it is: a time to be present with you. Normalcy takes a new stand today by placing personal toys and lubricants for sale in your drug store to enhance or aid your experience. Right next to the face masks. They come in on the same truck as Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. Has anyone ever noticed the big bright cock on the front of the cereal box? Whether you are watching something, revisiting a past encounter, or getting creative within your own imagination, solo masturbation is often our first exploration with sexuality, and what feels good. The act is a form of self-discovery and a practice in trust. The frequency is all up to the individual. Some daily, some scarcely, often still private and not spoken about freely. It’s more than just a stimulation of your genitalia, it often has more to do with our brain. The partnering of physical touch and imagination fire off neurotransmitters that create a pathway to climax. Better sleep, less tension, relaxed muscles, a release of hormones. A bio-psychological experiment. A conditioning of understanding pleasure points and fantasies as one, and perhaps changing the narrative of the concept of masturbation. Which means, if you’re struggling with guilt and shame, you can absolutely deprogram yourself. Remember, just because it’s happening behind closed doors, doesn’t mean it’s shameful.
Mutual and Group Settings
But it’s not always something that happens with your own company. Jack and Jill can go up the hill together. Or Jack and Jack. Or Jill and Jill. Or Jill/Jill/Jack. Or Jill/Jack whose pronouns are they/them. You get the point. Often, mutual masturbation or group masturbation is one of the least discussed frontiers. For the monogamous couple, it can feel somewhat more vulnerable than other traditional acts, you are performing for someone, not with someone. You are the vessel on display. While not exactly intercourse, there’s no denying a new level of intimacy in mutual play with a partner. Groups or communal play take the activity to levels of vulnerability and excitement, dare I say, a collective? The whole is greater than its parts. With the advances in technology, apps, websites, it’s easier for those who want to participate with like minded others. It is opening up a world of privacy and possibly learning something new in the process, like a new technique, or a new bond with someone. These forms don’t just leave the door open, they take it off its hinges and put a sign above the threshold that reads “cum one, cum all”.
The Digital Playground
The internet strikes again, and creates a goon your own adventure scenario with the world of solo play. The era of hiding penthouse magazines under the mattress, or waiting for dial up to load a pixelated photo are a thing of the past. We have instant access to videos in 4k, some even interact with VR Headsets. Then we have a hybrid territory that’s not always as solo as it seems. There could be 100 people in a room and 99 of them aren’t actually in the room with you, but just one person is, and that’s Bradley Cooper…kidding, it’s you live-streaming your private time. Cam sites create an interactive world for voyeurism, in the comfort of your own room. The lines between solo and group dissolve entirely, whether you’re one of many watching, or the one being watched. Allowing others an opportunity to feel like they are part of the scene, some even go as far as having toys that connect to the cammer’s livestream, allowing a viewer to control the intensity of the toy. Technology has made us more accessible to each other, a long-distance relationship can still experience hot and heavy sexual encounters from whatever device you’re reading this on. We created new ways to connect with ourselves, and with others that want to watch others connect with themselves.
The Big Finish
Some of this may seem intimidating, and perhaps only the solo self-care concept intrigues you. Whether it is your flavor or not, we have adapted to the world around us with young technology like the internet, and young sciences of psychology. All of these concepts were birthed from the idea of whether or not the narrative we have been fed is in fact the only way. Once again, we are brought back to curiosity. This is not meant to be a call-to-action for you to try these different methods. This is an observation of how we have reacquainted ourselves with the practice with less shame, with less guilt, without the fallacy that we will go blind, lose our minds or grow hair on our palms. Today, there’s an uptick in positive, healthy conversations about it with your doctors, your partners, maybe even your friends. We found our way back to normal, but there is still a lot to dismantle on the topic of masturbation. Ask yourself: Were you told that it was bad? Did you find that guilt and shame at a specific point in your life, or did it magically appear? Maybe one day, we will be able to say “no thanks, I can’t carry this, my hands are preoccupied.” Until that day comes, I wish you peace, joy, and lots of self-care, one stroke at a time.