For Our Kink Curious Friends
I have been struggling to figure out how to open up this essay. I know what my thesis is, I just don’t know where to start with the hook. There are a myriad of ways I could begin, I could go personal, I could go vague, I could smack you around with a deep question (If you’re into that). I have written several sentences only to shelf them, or hold the backspace button, not knowing where to begin. I could sit here for hours and try to find the perfect line, get flustered, shelf it, hang up the brand and quit, never touching it again. I am stuck in the same loop that I am writing about as it relates to the nature of 49Grey. Irony has never been a bigger tease. Stop asking “Where do I start?”, and just start.
Depending on who you ask, most will have different definitions for kink and fetish. Casually, they are even used interchangeably. Generally, kink is a nontraditional and consensual sexual preference – one that enhances sensation, and often involves a power dynamic. A fetish involves fixation on a specific body part (pits, feet, etc.) or object (uniform, high heels, etc.). Kink is the verb, fetish is the noun. Fetish lives within the spectrum of kink.
Maybe you’re kink-curious. Maybe you don’t know where to begin. Maybe you don’t even realize kink is already a part of your intimacy. You know the feeling exists before you know what to call it. Maybe you’ve already begun without picking up the label. The idea that kink has to be an extreme sport would deny the grand spectrum of how kink can fit into everyone’s sex lives. The umbrella covers the practice of shibari and restraints just as it does being held down by a dominant partner. The difference is in the shades of grey. The same umbrella covers the dominatrix, the pup handler, and the dynamic between you and your partner on who is holding who down. Who is the leader, who follows, the charge of that exchange. Roleplay is no different than the mask we put on at work or a family function when we need our protector. They are both costumes that let you be someone slightly other than yourself. Rubber and leather outfits, halloween costumes or a themed party, all are just the garments that let a part of you come alive that don’t always see the light of day.
Now that you’ve had a minute to digest that, now what? You’ve gone from “whether you are” to “now what?” which is typically where the paralysis sets in. The anonymity of the internet seems like a good way to start. Without guidance, other than a Google search, you enter virtual spaces where it feels like you need to be in the scene already. You find conflicting information from multiple resources. It can start to feel really overwhelming. And that discouraging panic and confusion might be the furthest any of us go. You grow flustered, you think to yourself that you just want to explore this curiosity a bit more without feeling like you have to take a blood oath to join a community.
What if, and stay with me here, you just walk into an adult store? If you live in an urban area, you won’t have much trouble finding one. First, exposure therapy, you will probably find individuals who look like everyone else you walk by on the street. The feeling of “I am different from others” begins to quiet. But you’re still feeling awkward and don’t know what to do, you make sure you’re not staring too long at a product, and you socially distance yourself from others in the store. You need help. The shopkeep, usually the person behind the counter, is there to help and answer questions. It’s their job, and chances are, they work there because they are passionate, or at least informed about the products they sell. Ask away, please.
Stop asking how to start, just start. Just like I did at the beginning of this post. One foot in front of the other. We learn to walk the same way we learn everything else that really matters: We move before we are ready. We do it in a way that feels good to us, it will still feel uncomfortable, but that’s growing pains. If you were looking for a concrete answer to your problem here, I won’t be giving you a map. Instead, consider this your permission slip to go look for one. If I did that, I would be protecting your observer, and not encouraging the volunteer that exists within you to take action. Stay curious.
