I’d Service The Community, But I Already Have You See
The leather jacket, the aviators, the acoustic guitar, tight ass-squeezing denim, the dangling cross earring. George Michael. The icon, the sex symbol. George Michael’s Faith music video brought iconography from gay leather bars to sell sex to heterosexual women, and wink at his fellow Friends of Dorothy. It was a departure from the friendly and bubbly world of Wham! into something fiercer and seductive. But George was a rather private individual; a survival strategy to keep his personal affairs sacred. Privacy read as mystique and boosted his sex appeal. You either wanted him or wanted to be him. After coming out, he became much more than that, he became one of the first stars to never apologize for the life he was living, who he was, or how he lived it.
The moment most would cite as George Michael’s coming out is an infamous public incident, but if you asked him yourself, he would tell you he came out with his 1996 album, Older. Notably, he never blatantly disclosed his sexuality in his album. Older came in as a shift sonically in his discography; it was a darker project, a slow departure from the synthesizers that defined earlier work and drawing closer to brass sections. He came in with a new look as well, a low maintenance buzzcut, and a wardrobe of black. A man in mourning, trying to make it through each day. An album-long experience with grief written in a language only so many individuals could decrypt.
And it’s hard to grieve when no one knows what, or who, you’re mourning. In 1991, George found love in his late 20’s at the height of his solo career in Anselmo Feleppa. Within 6 months of their relationship, they discovered Anselmo was HIV+. George was not out at this time in his life to family. At the request of Anselmo, George did not tell his closest friends of his boyfriend’s status. He had no one to process this upheaval with and had to grieve in secret. Anselmo passed away 2 years later due to an AIDS-related brain hemorrhage. Older was George Michael’s way of processing his grief. Specifically the album opener, “Jesus to a Child”, a stunning gut punch of a ballad serving as an elegy to Anselmo Feleppa.
To the public, George was not out yet. A moment at a public urinal in 1998 disclosed the secret he was keeping. He was cruised and followed into a public restroom in Will Rogers Memorial Park in Beverly Hills. The man who proposed “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” arrested George for engaging in the lewd act, later revealed to be a targeted sting. He later referred to it as a subconsciously deliberate act, self-destruction as liberation. Making a move on the chessboard that leads to checkmate, just to end the game. His last secret was out. Days after the arrest in an interview with CNN, George spoke of the recklessness of the incident, but he made it perfectly clear he was never apologizing for being a gay man.
In October of ‘98, George Michael released “Outside”, the lead single off his greatest hits album Ladies & Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael. Outside was a masterclass in fuck you. A moment to spell it all out to make sure everyone was clear. A sleazy disco record sampling news reports of his arrest, throwing shade with lyrics like “I’d service the community but I already have you see”, referencing his sentencing for the act. The video was a moment of camp we had not seen before, a moment that showed there was nothing left to hide. Featuring George dressed in a cop uniform near walls lined with chrome urinals under mirror balls, every kind of couple in every kind of position in public spaces. For the general population, it was satire. For those that were part of a culture he was shamed for, it was an homage to those who lived the same life; a love letter to fellow cruisers. Outside was a response. The months that followed his arrest consisted of interviews and gossip columns asking the same question over and over again. Constantly referring back to his status as a sex symbol, he could get it with anyone, anywhere, why do it in a public space?
The best answer to that question, and in my opinion, a defining moment in modern gay history, came in 2006. Paparazzi caught George in Hampstead Heath Park, a well-known cruising park in London. Emerging from the darkness of the park, facing the flashing lights of the camera, ambushed by the rush of professional exploiters, George Michael famously shouted “Are you gay? No? Then fuck off, this is my culture!” He did not over-explain himself, he didn’t apologize, he didn’t play it off as anything other than what it was. He told the media this wasn’t for them to judge. He then walked off. This wasn’t a special interview with CNN or MTV, this wasn’t a press conference or a music video. The small moment was historic because of how small it was. He had nothing left to explain, he just wanted to be one among many in the dark.
George Michael wanted to keep his private life private. But when faced with exposure, he never backed down about who he was. He was no longer in a position to “straight-wash” himself, or become a desexualized punchline like we were seeing with the few gay TV and film characters we had to look up to at the time. He went from being a sex symbol for women to a sex symbol for gay men, and refused to hide it once the media revealed it. He let a whole generation know that you may be a freak, but you don’t have to apologize for it. What if we were all as unapologetic as George? What if we paid no mind to those that didn’t understand, and just allowed ourselves to live our lives?
I remember visiting my parents when the news broke that George Michael had passed away on Christmas Day. I silently grieved, for there went one of my earliest introductions to a sacred practice that carried me through my years as a gay man. His presence and demeanor were influential on me finding my spot in the world once I was backed into a corner and had no choice but to come out publicly. I saw myself in George Michael before I had the words to say what I was seeing. He is a prominent figure in my coming of age story. Regardless of what the media was saying, I saw through what I was being fed and saw a man that was free, and made it look good. From his style, to his unapologetic attitude about who he was. Another figure to borrow courage from when I didn’t have my own yet. Happy Birthday, George Michael, and thank you for walking through the darkness and leading the way. I think you’re amazing.